


Follow You Into The Dark

by ghostrider



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Blood, Character Death, Depressing, Drugs, M/M, References to Suicide, Self Harm, Sexual References, death!fic, zayn and liam - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:12:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostrider/pseuds/ghostrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn doesn’t know exactly what brought him to this stage. Doesn’t know when Liam became both his biggest weakness and strength. He still can’t quite believe that there is someone in his life who has deprived him off the ability to say ‘no’. </p><p>What he does know though; is that he’s too far gone to be pulled back. And according to the irritating voice of his subconscious, he is so fucked. </p><p>On the other hand, by the way, Liam is too far gone as well. But, in an entirely different way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Follow You Into The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> okay, listen. this is depressing as fuck. i've warned you, now if you end up in a puddle of tears, it's on you.
> 
>  _italics_ is zayn's sub-conscience talking (in simpler words it is zayn talking to himself).
> 
> i am very proud of this one, don't hate me after this because this is actually based on an anonymous prompt I received on tumblr. and i probably love you if you're reading. also if you're a john green fan, there are a lot of john green inspired elements in this. so yay.
> 
> title credits: i will follow you into the dark - death cab for cutie

Zayn falls a 100% in love on a Saturday afternoon, right after sunset, his feet in wet sand, sitting near the shore, on the beach.

He falls in love with Liam, his best friend, the adrenaline pulsing through his veins.

He promises himself, right there and then, looking right into Liam’s eyes which reflect the golden the sun, that he won’t ever tell Liam about his feelings. He won’t ever destroy their friendship, he just won’t let Liam know.

Because (1) he knows Liam will never fall in love with him because (2) with his part time jobs and three sisters at home and shaggy clothes he really isn’t good enough or even remotely comparable to Liam. (3) Liam is well off; surgeon mom and tycoon dad, so yeah Liam is rich and he is (4) Zayn’s best friend and (5) **only his** best friend and (6) **his only** best friend thus (7) Zayn really isn’t foolish enough to lose Liam’s friendship over feelings even he isn't sure of.

And also, (8), he really doesn’t want to hurt Liam. Or gross him out. Or change anything really. That's the last thing he wants to do.

The thing is, Zayn doesn’t really know what to expect of Liam. With Liam, nobody ever knows. He doesn’t know how he will take things, how he will act towards Zayn after. He isn’t even in a position to guess right now. Thus, he will just never let Liam know about what’s in his heart, he can't say how Liam will react. And if their friendship is at stake, he doesn't even want to find out.

He’d rather be just friends with Liam than lose him completely.

The thing about Liam is this: he is a million shades of the same guy. Even when Zayn has known Liam since sixth grade, he’s sure there are about a hundred and ninety seven things he doesn’t know about Liam.

For one, he doesn’t know why Liam can change color in a second. He’s the most unpredictable guy Zayn has ever come across. He will be all uptight and secretive one time, and wouldn't stop talking the next. He will just lose it over mere trifles, but won’t say a word when his dog dies. He will get moody and silent when Zayn tries to get him to open up a little and he will be the one telling Zayn about how once, when he was five his mother didn’t let him touch the cookie jar and he fell down off a high stool really hard while he was trying to reach it and ended up breaking his elbow and that is why he isn't a big fan of heights.

And maybe, it’s because of these little secrets and unintentional acts of innocent affection that Zayn is this vulnerable when it comes to dealing with Liam. Zayn hasn’t known love. Sure, Doniya loves him. She’s supposed to, she’s his elder sister and also the closest thing he has to a mother since they had lost their parents to a plane crash (he doesn’t remember anything of that though, except watching fire, smoke and disaster on television and a lot of crying after that) (even though he was eleven years old at that time, he remembers none of it) (and he doesn’t want to either, because when he thinks about his mother's eyes and how his are exactly alike, he cries) (how his father had an amazing laugh and he inherited that too, he cries) (he doesn’t like to cry). And sure, Waliyah and Safaa love him too. But, those are his sisters too and they don't really have a choice.

He hadn’t made any real friends back at his previous school (thanks to his brown skin and eastern looks) (he doesn’t like to think about that either), but after his parent’s death when he had to shift school because now his eldest sister had to work and even with two jobs she couldn’t afford the fees, he had finally made a friend; Liam.

Now, he finally had someone to sit with him at lunch, take walks with him in the park, talk about comics with, choose to be with on a class project, invite to sleepovers. It’s not like this was love. But to him, it was new. And having someone not eat until you joined them, or having someone make you show your secret drawings to, or having them praise your artwork which you think is not that great, or having someone laugh at your jokes, or having them standing below with their arms open wide promising to catch you when you jump off a tree... well, it sure felt like being loved.

Not the Doniya, Waliyah, Safaa kind either. But a whole other kind. One that Zayn can’t really put in words.

It's like Liam gave him a new life, a life he didn't think he'd ever get to live. So Liam gets to be the one person Zayn will gladly lay his life out for. Liam is the only one who has earned that. Zayn can’t (won’t) ever say no to Liam, whatever the boy asks for. If he gave Zayn a bottle labeled poison and told him it was just juice, Zayn would believe him. If he asked Zayn to drink it, Zayn would.

Zayn doesn’t know exactly what brought him to this stage. Doesn’t know when Liam became both his biggest weakness and strength. He still can’t quite believe that there is someone in his life who has deprived him off the ability to say ‘no’.

What he does know though is that he’s too far gone to be pulled back. And according to the irritating voice of his subconscience, _you’re so fucked zayn you're so fucked_.

On the other hand, by the way, Liam is too far gone as well. But, in an entirely different way.

—-

Liam Payne is.. dark. Not a million shades, not even fifty. He’s just dark.

Because. He has secrets. Deep, dark ones that no one knows about. That’s the problem with Liam; in his life, he trusts no one. Wants no one.

Actually. If he recalls. He did once. He did trust someone once. He did want someone. With all his heart and mind and life. He had loved her, was ready to give her everything that he had. He was sixteen then and it was her, her and just her. No one knows what she really meant to him expect, well, him. To him, she meant everything.

But that is the thing about trust you see, eventually it breaks. And when it breaks, it can’t be glued back. It is like a broken mirror, even if glued back, the cracks are there.

That’s the thing about wanting too, it brings with it the fear of loss. And it shuts the world on you, your entire focus on that one thing you **want want want** , you forget how to live and you don’t even realize it. When eventually, that want fades away, or - rarely - is fulfilled, you’re suddenly left barehanded with nothing to do.

So; Liam had wanted her, he had gotten her and she had done it. She had broken Liam’s trust, broken Liam and faded away like a whiff of smoke, leaving behind the pain and the emptiness for him to deal with. Leaving Liam with blades glued to his skin and fingers shoved down his throat (he was not good enough, he was unwanted) at the dead of the night when he was supposed to be sleeping like a normal person. But he wasn’t normal and that fact had been established when she left him, his heart shattered, tainted and now immune to love. He was just a boy, he was just sixteen. She left his boyish hopes and dreams scattered at his feet, she left after ruthlessly extracted all the love out of him, giving nothing in return. Taking, taking and taking.

He had been stupid to love. He had been stupid to take things seriously. He had been stupid to believe that life could be magical. He had been so stupid to give her everything. It was his fault, he was stupid. And she was heartless.

Liam blames her for it all (even when she’s not the only fucking problem in his life) (but for the time being it feels good to blame her) for everything he’s become in these three years and for all that he’s done and keeps doing.

But more than that, he blames ‘falling in love’; he blames himself. He blames ‘love’. He never wants to do it again, people learn from their mistakes and his had taught him this. Don’t love. Don’t get hurt. Love is pointless. The entire idea of it sickens him and now he cringes when his mom hugs him, he shivers when his sister tells him she loves him. Love is a bad word. Love is useless. It destroyed him. He hates everyone who tells him they love him. He hates himself for hating everyone who tells him they love him.

Just not Zayn. Zayn doesn’t tell him he loves him. He has never told him he loves him. That is what establishes the bold border between everything Liam hates. And Zayn.

That's another thing Liam hates himself for, by the way. The fact that he can't hate Zayn, the fact that he might actually **want** Zayn to tell him that he loves him. Because maybe Liam thinks that Zayn is kind of adorable. Maybe Liam kindof likes Zayn. He likes him because Zayn doesn’t hurt like everything else does. Zayn just **stays** , with his dark eyes and soft smile. And he just laughs with his head thrown back, stares too much like he’s in deep in thought, doesn’t ask questions (even when he wants to). Zayn doesn't nag or persuade, he just sits by his side and let's Liam be. Zayn makes him want to eat, want to live, want to hope, want.

Sadly though, those wants, they just aren’t strong enough.

Liam doesn’t want to eat or sleep or laugh or hope or live. He’s too far gone. Worst part is, he **knows** he’s too far gone. And Zayn might be the best thing in his life right now, but the pink marks on his skin which he hides using Ruth’s makeup make him feel so powerful. Powerful in a way that even Zayn’s presence can’t. In a way where he feels like he's in control, in control of his life and his body and what he wants to do with it.

Anyway, Zayn doesn’t need to know about this. He might be Liam’s only friend but even he’s not allowed to see, or even have a glimpse of, this part of Liam’s life. The guy doesn’t even know Liam had actually been in love, there are a lot of things Liam hasn’t told Zayn yet. Things Zayn is better off not being aware of.

All because he doesn’t want Zayn to feel sorry for him, and give him an entire essay length lecture on ‘how he wants help’, or even worse, tell him that he doesn’t need to do this, that he loves him. Because if Zayn does that, if Zayn ever comes and say that he loves Liam (and even though a minute part of liam's heart might want that) Liam won’t know what to do. Liam doesn’t know if he’ll be able to get up again if he loses Zayn because of that shit word, thing, feeling. If Zayn falls in love with him, Liam will break. It won’t be because he doesn’t want to be loved by Zayn or that he doesn't want to love Zayn, nobody in their sane mind could want that, but because he just can’t. He can't love Zayn back, he won't be able to. He has lost it, he is hollow inside. An empty waste of space. He can't do that to Zayn. He can't promise to love him, he can't give Zayn what he deserves. And Zayn deserves so much more than who he is.

Zayn who is warm laughter on a cold December night and soft smiles after a day of bickering with your mom.

Zayn deserves the fucking world. And unfortunately, Liam has no world left to give.

——

It was a warm Wednesday morning when Liam had first met Zayn.

They were young, carefree boys of about fourteen then. Mischievous, and innocent. With big hearts and no worries.

Zayn was the new kid, Liam was the old one. He had stopped trying to make friends a long time ago, since he was beaten up by a school bully on his first day and students started sniggering whenever he crossed paths with him. So when Zayn came and chose the seat beside him, Liam had thought it was because that had been the only seat vacant. But then Zayn chose that seat everyday, when he could have sat at the very back with the cool kids or the very front with the good looking ones. (as to liam, zayn was both cool and good looking)

And because Zayn didn’t give up, Liam decided to try again. After three months of sitting together and copying each other’s work without exchanging a single word, Liam finally spoke,

“Are you free on the weekend?”

Zayn started, dropping his pencil in surprise. And then he regained himself instantly, to reply, “No, why?”

“I got the new Dragon Ball Z series. Wanna come and watch?”

Zayn didn’t watch Dragon Ball Z, he didn’t know the first thing about it.

“Yeah, okay. Where d’you live?”

And that was that.

—-

Needless to say, the boys became each other’s first best friends in a very short span of time. It was a perfect combination:

Liam who was from a rich family, the only son of his parents who treated him like some sacred flower, the apple of his older sister’s eyes. All Liam knew was love and adoration, pain seemed to be an alien idea to him. He had everything he ever wanted, had to just demand and get, thus having no friends in high school hadn’t bothered him like it would have a normal child. He could do with a friend sure, but he wasn’t going to beg. He was shy, not very brave, the suffer in silence types, because he had a comfortable loving home to go back to each day. The bullies didn’t matter to him, nor did sitting alone at the lunch table. Actually, he had tried talking to new people, but since he’d become the ‘guy who got beaten up and locked in the broom closet on his first day’ no one was really interested. Maybe that is why Liam had made his own world of thoughts and dreams, he lived there content with himself, away from the world. Nobody knew what went on in his world, nobody ever would.

Zayn on the other hand, was tough. He had lost his parents at a young age, had seen his sister’s fight for survival, had fought himself and he was able to stand up to anything and anyone now. He had a violent streak to him, an aggressive side which Liam and about a fifty other students at school were too well aware of, since Zayn had singlehandedly taken on two muscular seniors when they had tried to rag Liam. (he had gotten a whole week’s detention after that but on the bright side, nobody bothered liam anymore and that was enough for zayn because maybe at that point he was already a 17% in love with him). So yeah, Zayn wasn’t the suffer in silence types, he was more of a hit and run do or die live fast die young types. He became Liam’s shadow, ready to take the fall for Liam. With Liam. Anything for the guy who invited him to house when no one ever had.

Even when Liam usually spent more time in his own world where Zayn wasn’t allowed, Zayn just stuck by. And Liam let him because Zayn didn’t question.

Zayn didn't ask what his parents did or what his parents were like. Zayn didn't ask why he didn't have friends. Zayn didn't ask why he liked to stay quiet. Zayn didn’t ask how much he liked his girlfriend. He didn’t ask why they broke up. He didn’t ask where Liam had been going to when he wasn’t at home, at school or with Zayn. Zayn just gave Liam that freedom, that usually best friends don’t give. And he was there for Liam by not being there in a way. Just like the floor is always there when you get out of bed, and you know that when you’ll put your feet down, they will meet the floor and it wouldn’t let you fall.

Liam didn’t like answering. Zayn didn’t question. They were perfect in their own way.

—-

It was a sunny day, a breezy Friday afternoon, they were in the third year of their Ordinary Levels then, sitting on The Cliff with their legs dangling from the edge.

It was called The Cliff, capital T and C, because the adults of their town used to use it as the town’s famous haunted site. Children were scared to come here, and teenagers who are mysterious creatures, used to make up horrid stories about The Cliff all by themselves and then start to believe in them too. So they avoided the place as well./p>

Zayn thought ghosts were bullshit, and Liam was curious. So they’d come here one day (liam with a wrench in his pocket and a bat in his hand in case something/one actually appeared and he had to defend them since zayn wouldn't because he just took his sketchbook with him in case a ghost was sighted and he needed to draw it) and found no floating ghosts, instead Zayn found the view absolutely thrilling.

“You know Li, in the books I read, all friends have a secret hideout spot where they come to plan their crazy adventures. Usually it’s a cave or a basement or a den but I think this will do, this can be our hideout spot. Sick, isn't it?”

The fresh excitement etched on Zayn’s face was cause of the automatic yes that came out of Liam’s mouth.

As it turned out though, they didn’t plan their adventures there. With a small town like theirs’, there weren’t much adventurous opportunities. They just sneaked off to their hideout spot whenever life got a little too much to take in.

One of them (usually zayn) would walk over to the other’s house, ring the doorbell and wait for the other. Then they would walk towards their known designated spot, no questions asked, no explanations given. They’d share a fag mostly, Zayn telling Liam about how hard Doniya is working to save money for his college, how he really needs to get an arts scholarship, or an athletic one as he also happens to be on the basketball team now (liam having made it to the football team, pushing zayn to try out for the other), or he would just drop out and start helping Doniya out. While Liam just sat and listened and never told Zayn about how he thought that Zayn was the smartest person he knew, and Zayn would make it, he has it in him. He would be a big huge successful person, just like Liam’s father, because Zayn believes. And Zayn is not afraid. Whereas Liam is both afraid and hesitant to face the world on his own.

He would sometimes want to tell Zayn how he’s becoming less and less afraid day by day. Since he mustered up the courage to try out for the football team, he had been getting better at communicating and socializing. But he doesn’t tell Zayn that because Zayn already knows, Liam is sure.

Another step that Liam had taken in order to get rid of his fear was trust someone who wasn’t Zayn and that was Danielle; cheerleader, sexy and completely smitten with him as per one of his team mates. So after a lot of encouragement, Liam had gone and asked her out and she had said an instant yes, to Liam’s great surprise and thus, Liam had let her in.

Andso, that day, on The Cliff, on a sunny Friday afternoon, that is what Liam told Zayn.

“… really brown eyes. She’s really nice Zee, and I really like her,” Liam said, watching as Zayn drew furiously on his sketchbook. Since he hadn't found a ghost to draw, he usually just picked a new bird he saw or a new plant he discovered and started sketching it.

“Zayn?”

“Yeah?”

“So what do you think?”

“About what?”

“Danielle!”

“Who’s Daniel?”

“Damn it, I just told you an entire story depicting my love life and you weren’t listening?”

“Sorry okay,” Zayn looked up at him, “This is the first time you have spoken so much in a day let alone an hour, and you expect me to not be shocked by that and by your correct use of the word ‘depicting’ and actually pay attention to what you’re saying instead of the fact that you’re well, finally saying!”

“You’re an idiot you know that?”

“Oh, I am aware.”

“Knucklehead.”

Liam went back to smoking and watching Zayn draw after that and Zayn to his drawing, both not saying anymore, just letting the swishy-swashy sounds of water waves below set the atmosphere to peace. Until Zayn spoke, his eyes still on the sketch pad,

“I am glad, by the way.”

“About what?”

“That you finally are opening up to people, and that you finally have a girlfriend. I thought you were never gonna get laid.”

“So you were listening. Jerk.”

“Well I couldn’t miss you telling me how she’s become the center of your universe and all that.”

“I never said that.”

“I know. I just summarized your entire love monologue into one small accurate phrase.”

“She’s really nice Zayn, even you’d love her.”

“Sure, whatever you say.”

“Trust me.”

“I do.”

“Hey, would you meet her? I want you to get to know her.”

Zayn didn’t know what went through him then, but it did cause him to look up at Liam. _Oh holy mother of jesus, oh holy holy fucking christ jesus! Did I hear him right?!_

This was patently the first time Liam had asked him to step into a part of his private life. Zayn hadn’t even seen Liam’s room for crying our loud! And now. Well, Zayn was jealous, so very extremely jealous of Danielle because by now he was undoubtedly a 34% in love with Liam, but the overwhelm was taking over the jealousy and he found himself saying,

“You know I can’t ever say no to you Liam.”

It wasn’t his intention to fall an additional 16% in love with Liam, when Liam smiled brightly at him after that, like Zayn had given him the gift of another life, and said,

“I knew you’d say that. You’re the best Zee!”

—-

Zayn met Danielle on a scorching, hot Monday, when he went to see if Liam was still on the field practicing.

What he found was Liam kissing, not practicing. And a girl who was half naked, a mini skirt and a sports bra don’t do much covering of the body, was pressed flushed against him as they stood among a crowd of people, unbothered.

Liam was really breaking out of his shell and Zayn was happy for him. Not so much for himself.

Deciding to turn around and flee home unnoticed, Zayn took a few steps back but then,

“Zee! Zayn!”

Obviously Liam would spot him, even when he was kissing the center of his universe.

“Li, hey, I was just-”

“Meet Danielle. Danielle meet Zayn. Best friend and best person.”

“Hi Daniel.”

“Hi Zen.”

He fucking hated her. 101%.

—-

A hot sweaty summer day, when Liam brought Danielle to The Cliff. And Zayn died a 99%.

But he recovered. Because Liam was laughing, cheering and had this glow in his eyes Zayn had been dying to see for a very long time. Liam was finally happy that he had been able to do something on his own this time, without any help, without being spoon fed or treated like a child.

(zayn had kind of figured a long time ago how liam hated being treated like a child at home, like he was fragile and had to be taken care of. that is why liam had joined the football team, to prove to his parents he was perfectly capable of handling himself and doing things on his own.)

Liam was finally happy (small simple word, huge significant meaning). And Zayn would kill himself but take that away from him.

Plus Liam’s laughter reminded Zayn of hot chocolate and freshly baked cookies on a wintry, snowy night. It was warned him from the inside, comforted and silenced his demons. And the stupid idiotic pathetic sound of Liam's laugh, well that, that was the best sound Zayn had ever heard.

And if it made him fall a 19% more in love. It wasn't really his fault.

—-

Danielle broke up with Liam when they were going into the first year of their Advanced Levels.

How did they break up? Well, Zayn just loves to tell that story.

Louis, Liam’s football mate, had caught her making out under the bleachers with Tony, some rad looking guy with a huge manic grin who sung in the school choir. And unlike all best friends who catch their best friend’s partners cheating on them and run off to tell them causing an argument of doubts and the demand of proof and fights which go like ‘you’re just jealous because you don’t have a girl/boyfriend and now you’re trying to sabotage my perfect relationship’ (happens in all movies zayn has watched), Louis had just used his fucking brains (thank fuck for that) and recorded the entire thing on his cellphone and shown it to Liam.

That was the end of the chapter of Danielle, to Zayn’s content.

On the downside, it was the start of a new chapter labelled: Liam’s downfall. Something Zayn wasn’t even remotely aware of.

—-

Zayn started noticing changes in Liam’s behavior about a month after his break up.

(1) Liam had started falling back in class because (2) he was always so tired as if he hadn’t slept since days. (3) All he really cared about was his football but (4) he had even stopped socializing with his football mates as Zayn liked to call them as (5) he had been refusing to attend all the after game parties unlike before. (6) When Zayn went knocking on his door and ask for him, Liam took more than 15 minutes to come down and meet him and (7) he always looked so tired, with his biceps thinning and dark circles under his eyes and now Zayn was really really worried.

He had tried talking to his mom, to ask if Liam was okay. But turned out, his mom didn’t have a clue about Danielle and if Liam had hidden it from her, Zayn thought it better not to open his mouth and betray Liam’s trust. Also, Liam’s parents never thought Zayn to be a good influence, another reason why Zayn never stepped in the almost-castle Liam lived in. Thus trying to talk to Liam’s mom had been a lost cause from the very beginning.

Like the good friend he’d always been, Zayn didn’t ask Liam. His sub-conscience had convinced him that Liam wasn’t going to tell him anyway (which he knew was true). Instead, he planned a little beach picnic (they had abandoned The Cliff because it reminded liam of danielle) and dragged Liam with him right after his football practice, not really giving him a chance to go home and shut himself up in his room for the rest of his life.

Liam was reluctant...

“Zayn, I really don’t want to.”

“Okay, get on the bike.”

“I really want to go home.”

“Yeah sure, get on the bike.”

“At least we should get changed first, I’m sweating and it’s hot!”

“I’ve got your tank top in my bag, and there’s water on the beach I guess.”

“Zayn, try to understand!”

“I do, get on the fucking bike.”

… but not that reluctant because he put his helmet on and got on the bike, wrapping his arms around Zayn’s waist tightly as they drove off to the beach.

——

It is hot, the sun is setting. And Zayn is sketching while Liam sits beside him on the sand and hums, wearing the tank top Zayn loves on him so much because it shows off his muscular arms _that can hold you against a wall,_ and a little of his chest hair _that you want pressed against your back, don’t you,_ and his shoulders _that you want to cling on to as he slides inside you,_ and his collar bones _which you want to mark with your teeth so bad,_ and his shoulder blades _which will really look good with your nail m- okay enough!_

Zayn had missed the light, blissful, comforting sound of Liam’s humming so much - he hadn’t even realized.

Everything feels normal, but it also does not because Liam’s mind is far far away and this time Zayn really really wants to get into his head and find out about the place where Liam would rather be than here.

So he stops sketching and looks up, totally not expecting Liam to be looking intently at what he had been drawing.

“Why’d you stop?” Liam asks.

“Uh- I- you were seriously watching me draw all this time?” Zayn just wants to confirm it really, because there is a fair chance that he is hallucinating.

“Yeah, I always do. That bother you?” Liam asks playfully grinning like a child. _how the fuck does he do that?_

“No, I mean its a pretty boring pastime to have, no?”

“Nah, it’s interesting actually. And kinda peaceful, takes my mind off things,” Liam shrugs. He is so not aware of the maddening chaos going on in Zayn’s chest.

Zayn swallows thickly, “What kinds of things?”

Liam freezes and it's evident. Zayn breathes out in anticipation. His heart mad at him.

He watches, as Liam blinks a few times, turning white, not believing that Zayn has finally tried to probe in. Zayn isn’t really expecting Liam to answer, even if he wants one so badly, and is on the verge of changing the subject, like he always does, but.

“Things you’re better off not knowing Zayn,” Liam says, his tone clipped. 

This is worse than not getting an answer, Zayn would do anything to turn back time. But since that isn’t possible, he decides to make matters worse. Earning a slap from his agitated sub-conscience, _you are an idiot, obviously. when will you learn?_

“Why? You know everything about me, why can’t I know everything about you?”

“Because I don’t want you to.”

“Because you don’t trust me?”

“You’re the only one I trust.”

(there goes another 5% of his love)

“Then tell me, you know I’d be with you no matter what, right? I’ll be with you whatever’s the case. I will do anything for you Liam, I’ll help you. What is it? Is it her? Are you always thinking about her when you’re right beside me but actually somewhere else?”

“No. Not really.”

“Then where are you? What are you thinking about?”

“I am in my world, I am thinking about me.”

Zayn doesn’t really have a response to that crazy response.

“What’s in your world?”

“Stuff.”

“Stuff like what?”

“Stuff you won’t understand.”

Liam should really stop talking but something in the way Zayn speaks makes him go on and on.

“Is it- is it because I am poor and don’t understand your wa-” Zayn begins, awkwardly.

“Don’t say that again. I didn’t mean it like that and you know it,” Liam cuts him off, furious lines on his forehead.

“Then- then will you let me in one day?”

“Why are you so eager Zayn? Why can't you let this go?”

“Because I’m your best friend and you’ve learnt to actually live after a long time, I’ve learnt to live after a long time and I can’t stand and watch you lose it. I can’t lose you, Liam. You are the only friend I have, you are my best friend. And I don’t know if it means anything to you, but it means everything to me. Literally everything.”

Liam pauses then, looking at Zayn as if deep in thought. Recalling. Realizing.

“You’re my best friend,” Liam says, talking more to himself than to Zayn, “And you’d help me, and you’ll be there, and you don’t say no to me ever and- _oh._ ”

_oh liam, no no it’s not like that, i am really not in love with you.. pffft. ha ha ha, where’d you get the idea really you’re being ridiculous_

Zayn’s brain is already coming up with a perfect counter speech in case Liam’s expression means that he has finally guessed how Zayn feels about him but instead, Liam just smiles and says,

“Yeah, I’d let you in one day. You’re the only one I’d let in. But when the time’s right. I promise. No more questions.”

Zayn is taken aback for a moment. It isn’t what he was expecting or what he wanted but at least it’s something.

“Thank you, Liam.”

“I love you, Zayn.”

Zayn’s world stops for moment - tilts - rotates twenty times - trembles - shakes - tilts back - and then Zayn’s subconscious starts hooting and cartwheeling, _is this real? obviously it is real you jerk! did liam just- well, what, should i say it back or should i not? liam said he loves you not that he is in love with you. he means it as friend. oh obviously duhhh he means it in a total friendly way. dang it. you’re so stupid. really though.. at least he said it._

“Haha sure, you’re a right sop Liam,” he finally replies with a dry mouth.

“Sometimes, yeah,” Liam says, eyes all on Zayn, seeing him in a new light probably.

“Well, I like when you’re soppy.”

“That is why I’m soppy.”

(6% more down the drain)

“Too much, Liam.”

“Too much, yeah Zayn. So fucking much.”

Yeah sometimes, it is a right hard puzzle to understand what shit Liam says.

“Please draw now,” Liam orders simply, “The sun is setting, capture that or whatever is that you say.”

“Okay,” Zayn grins, opening up his sketchbook, “You’re weird.”

“And you’re going to be an amazing artist one day, with a lot of galleries all over town.”

_and you’ll be my muse, liam payne._

—-

Andso, Zayn falls a 100% in love on a Saturday afternoon, right before sunset, his feet in wet sand, sitting near the shore, on the beach.

—-

Liam knows he shouldn’t have said ‘I love you’ to Zayn. He’d never said that to Zayn before. Not even in a ‘iloveyoubro’ manner. Obviously he loves him, duh, he’s his friend. But saying that, it had been unexpected. Almost like a slip of tongue. Like it had been there all this time, just waiting for a chance to burst out of his mouth.

What makes Liam trust Zayn more is, that Zayn hadn’t replied with an ‘I love you’. It’s weird, it’s so weird. Because a normal friend would have. Why hadn’t Zayn said it? Why does it bother Liam? He should be glad actually.

But he’s not. He is, but he is not. He doesn’t know what that means. He’s sure of one thing though, he’s scared. He’s scared of the promise he’s made, will he really gain the courage to open up to Zayn? Will he really able to tell Zayn his feelings towards life? His desire to just run away and never look back?

He’s scared because Zayn is so understanding. He’s so understanding that he had known not to say I love you back to him. He had known to accept when Liam had promised and changed the subject. And he knows Liam, and he wants to know more. And it’s all just so scary because Liam can’t lose Zayn, not right now. Not when he’s in his darkest. He can't afford to lose Zayn.

Liam knows he doesn’t have a way out anymore. He is deep down lying in a dark dry well, and he doesn’t even want to pull himself out. There was a time when this was bearable, the devastation, the feeling of being unwanted.

Okay maybe he’s exaggerating the unwanted part a bit. He knows he’s wanted; his parents care about him, Zayn cares about him, his sisters care about him, even some of his football mates do. But the thing is, he doesn’t care if they care. The only think he had cared about was finding true love, he had been finally starting to realize that life wasn’t all that bad only to discover that life wasn’t just bad, it was also unfair, malicious and a backstabbing son of a bitch.

This feeling inside Liam, that makes him do things and feel unwanted, it is an amalgamation of everything that had happened and now Liam wanted out. He doesn’t even know what the real problem is anyway, the number of his troubles is just too vast. He is done wallowing in despair and done, _done_ with people asking him if he is fine. For example, Niall who had asked him what was wrong and why didn’t he come to his party and then there was his football coach who wanted to talk to Liam's parents because they were going to play in some kind of state championship and Liam was losing his game. God damn it, people needed to mind their own businesses.

The only person who hadn’t asked anything was Zayn. But now he had too. Thus giving birth to this new idea in Liam’s mind, the idea which is going to be his escape.

Zayn has been by his side, he lets Liam come to his house without any questions anymore because at times Liam needs to get away from his own room and the number of pills he has hidden under his mattress. The more he stays near them, the more he succumbs to them, the more time he spends with Zayn and his collection of comic books, the more Liam wants to get rid of his habits. But that only happens for a short span of time as sooner or later, the darkness and reality closes in on him and Liam is transferred into an alternate universe; all alone with his thoughts and ideas that are now becoming too dangerous to carry out and too risky to be shared.

Liam is brave. Zayn kept telling him that somewhere during seventh grade, but Zayn is naïve. Liam is a coward, if he was brave he would have ended the pain a long, long time ago.

But he hadn’t. Because he liked pulling the blade up right when it was so near that one vein, right at the last second, right when it was about to end. He liked pulling it up, liked being in control, liked the shade of crimson red against the pale brown. He still does.

This game he plays with razors, blades, pills and pocket knives, gives him this strength that nothing else does. Makes him feel invincible. He doesn’t know how it works, doesn’t want to know how it’s wrong, what he knows is this: he likes it.

But he's come to a point in life where even his addictions have become a little too much. Where his last resorts have transformed into torture, the places he finds solace in have started to haunt him. And he wants new. He wants out, he wants an escape. He wants to just stop now. Quit everything. Damn it.

But he can’t. It requires courage. It requires willpower and strength; everything he lacks.

He’s weak and not very brave. He's not even brave enough to take his own fucking life.

But he does know someone who in his eyes, is both strong and brave. And here is where his brilliant idea comes in.

He just needs Zayn to say yes. Zayn who is his best friend, Zayn who won’t say no to him. Zayn, who understands.

And well Zayn- there is one thing about him that Liam is kind of sure of now, and it doesn’t displease Liam, which is strange. But this one thing, Liam can use to his advantage. The idea is sickening, but Liam has to.

This time he’s not backing off. This time he’s getting his freedom. This time, he's getting out of it all.

—-

Three days after the ‘i-love-you-on-the-beach’ incident, on Tuesday, just after his last class, Liam approaches Zayn in the parking lot.

Zayn is just about to mount his bike, when Liam jogs towards him. Zayn, who is surprised because usually it’s him who walks towards the field to get Liam, stops doing whatever he is doing and turns to face a sweaty Liam, trying his level best not to be distracted by those beads of sweat that glitter on Liam’s forehead.

“Hey, leaving without me huh?” Liam asks.

Sometimes (mostly), Liam rides home with Zayn. That is because (1) he hates his old obnoxious driver won't stop talking about about his pet goats and cows back in his village and (2) he likes the way Zayn rides, so recklessly and dangerously fast. And Liam likes to believe he's both of those things; reckless and dangerous.

“I figured you had practice until four, and I kind of have pick up Saf today, since Wal is going to gowith her friends.”

Which is untrue. Because that isn’t the reason why Zayn didn’t walk to the field (like he hadn’t yesterday as well), the real reason is the sound of Liam’s ‘iloveyouzayn’ reverberating in his head and racking his nerves. He still doesn’t know why he’s making such a big deal out of it when it was said under friendly circumstances but he **is** making a big deal out of it and he wants to stay away from Liam until he can bring himself back to normal. He wants to stay away because he doesn’t trust himself, he doesn’t know when he might just jump on Liam and kiss him and tell him to stop being so devastatingly sexy and amazing all the fucking time because it makes him mad.

“I thought you knew I only have practice on Mondays, Thursdays and the weekends?” Liam inquires.

“Sorry, must have slipped off my mind, Li. So c’mon lets go,” Zayn says, because he just can’t say no. Not when Liam is looking at him with these large brown eyes saying that they want something.

“No, it’s okay. You go grab Safaa, I just wanted to invite you to.. uh to a party at my house tonight.”

“You’re having a fucking party?” Zayn’s eyes widen, because when was the last time Liam threw a party at his house? Oh, right, never. And when was the last time he asked Zayn to come over? Again, never.

“Yeah, a small quiet one really,” Liam shrugs.

“And you want me to come?” Zayn asks, _seriously, when have i ever stepped house into your house like what kind of a fucking joke is this?_

“Yeah,” Liam almost beams and Zayn has to restrain himself from kissing him, “Because it would be kind of boring without you, seeing that you are the only guest.”

 _fuck everything_ , “What?” Did Liam just seriously-

“Time you saw what my world looks like,” Liam says simply, like he hasn’t just dropped a missile on Zayn, “See you at six?”

“Sure,” Zayn manages to let out. _this is the craziest thing ever. i know calm down calm down just please don’t wet your pants it's okay it's fine calm down._

“I knew you wouldn’t say no,” Liam punches him childishly on the shoulder, “I will wait for you.”

“Okay,” Zayn smiles back at him, _how can i say no to you liam, when you're like this, how can i?_

“Okay,” Liam says right back, almost like he understands the subtext, “Okay.”

—-

In his life of eighteen years, Zayn Malik has never felt this nervous, confused and/or conflicted.

He stands in his small room, shirts of all colors and textures scattered all around him, fumbling through them, trying them one by one, looking in the mirror and then throwing each one off. He has nothing to wear to Liam’s place, he needs to make a good impression, oh god fuck fuck he has nothing to wear. He probably should have asked Doniyah to pick a new shirt for him on her way back home but then he had been in a daze, still recovering from the aftershocks of being invited to Liam’s house three days after Liam said I love you to him, he was really not really capable of thinking or doing. No matter how many times he tells himself; _it fucking meant nothing zayn it meant nothing_ , he can't get over the fact that Liam told him he loved him. So it kind of did mean everything for him.

Finally, after about three hours of mourning over the lack of clothing he has, God sends Waliyah to his rescue.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck,” he is chanting while throwing all the shirts back in the closet when Waliyah walks in.

“Zayn, do you kn- what the fuck is going on?!” she exclaims, her eyes taking in the scenario in front of her.

“That is one dollar in the swear jar,” Zayn grunts, throwing in his brown checked button up. _why the bloody hell did i even buy this?_

“Well, in that case, you’d have to put all your allowance and all your salary in the swear jar,” Waliyah retorts, as she walks into the room, tiptoeing over Zayn’s clothes.

“I’m allowed, I’m eighteen.”

“Nobody is allowed, bhai. Doniyah’s roof, Doniyah’s rules remember?”

Zayn looks at her agitated yet considerate, “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

“Deal,” Waliyah smiles back, jumping on his single bed which creaks a little, “So, what is going on?”

“I have nothing to wear,” Zayn says, throwing a Spiderman boxer into his open closet.

“You sound like me sometimes,” she replies.

“Excuse me, I am nothing like you. Just go away, I’m in a middle of a crisis here.”

“Right. So what do you want me for?”

“I- what? I didn't even call you here!”

“Oh god it’s okay, stop whining like a girl! I’ll help! God, the things I have to do for you! Even though you never agree on giving me a ride to my friends.”

And so, the next fifteen minutes are spent with Zayn trying on the number of shirts Waliyah shortlists for him. While Waliyah sits with her legs crossed on his bed, pinpointing what looks good and what sucks, ‘ugh you wear that? how can you even go out wearing such stuff? oh god boys murder fashion so had! no zayn please, you just can not wear that ever again okay? where do you guys even buy your clothes from? oh my god how old even is that shirt, i am sure grandpa used to wear that! you're hopeless.’

In the end finally, Zayn stands in front of his mirror, clad in dark blue jeans hanging low, and a black V-neck that Waliyah had pulled out from the very depths of his closet moments ago. 

Now she stands beside him wearing a proud grin, “See, the V works for you, because like if I was looking at a guy, I would check out his collarbones first. Not that I do that or anything, so don’t give me that look!”

“Isn’t this a bit too simple?” Zayn asks.

Waliyah tsks, “God Zayn, he is your best friend and you’re not going on your honeymoon cruise, you’re the most impossible person I’ve ever seen!”

And then she shakes her head in such a manner that it even makes Zayn laugh, seriously what would he do without his family? Or what was left of it, anyway.

He loved his three sisters so much that he would do anything for them, he realizes. And at that moment that feeling is so strong, that he turns a little and hugs his little sister.

“I am never helping you again,” she says into his right shoulder, but doesn’t make any effort to push him away.

—-

When Liam opens the door, does Zayn’s breathing rate come back to normal.

He had been so nervous all the way to Liam’s home, but the moment he sees Liam smiling at him, his nerves start to settle.

“Hey,” Liam says, brightly.

“Hi,” Zayn says.

He’s glad to see that Liam went for a black t-shirt (his with the yellow Batman logo on it) and a pair of his old jeans, too. And honestly, Liam still looks mighty good in it.

“Are you going to stand there all night?” Liam’s voice breaks through his thoughts.

Zayn laughs, stepping in as Liam closes the door behind him.

“So I’d rather you just come with me to my room, no other place in this house is interesting, but you should maybe meet my mum first? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, though.”

“I want to,” Zayn shrugs. Yes he’s very impatient to see how Liam’s room looks like, but if Liam is letting him in, it would be nice to go all the way.

“I knew you would say that,” Liam says, “C’mon then.”

Zayn follows Liam as the boy walks through at least three corridors and rooms, finally reaching the kitchen.

He stops at the entrance, “Now look, just stay calm and nod. She is probably going to be excited because I don’t bring friends home and its my parents’ dream that I invite all my friends home and we party. Now you’re here and you’ll be the apple of her eye and she’ll probably treat you like a child too, and she’ll do a lot of embarrassing things and-”

“Liam, I know I don’t have a mom yeah? But I know how to handle one,” Zayn says awkwardly, trying to calm Liam down as he's clearly getting too excited.

Something changes in Liam’s eyes, “Zee, I didn’t mean it that way, I was just-”

“I know, I didn’t mean it that way either, sorry.”

“You say the darnedest things Malik!” Liam rolls his eyes, _fuck okay_ , and then enters the kitchen. Zayn tails behind him.

Zayn’s eyes search around, the kitchen is massive. He's only seen such kitchens in MasterChef and the likes. Maids and cooks are bent over stoves and shelves, but there’s no sign of Liam’s mom. Liam notices that too, because he asks the nearest maid, “Claudia, where’s mum?”

“Madame went with Miss Norbis next door, it was her son’s bar mitzvah, sir. Do you need anything?” Claudia says in a thick accent that Zayn can't place. /p>

“But I- I told her my friend was coming over and-”

“Do you need anything, sir?” she repeats in the same tone.

“No- I just- I don't.”

“We will bring the food in your room in about half an hour, you don’t have to worry about anything. If you need me, just ring the bell.”

“Yeah sure thanks Claudia.”

Zayn doesn’t get to hear Claudia’s reply because Liam doesn’t wait to hear it. He grabs Zayn by the arm and murmurs, “C’mon, I should've knows. It's no use.”

They go through a series of corridors again, and then up a flight of stairs and then finally they’re in front of a brown, mahogany door.

Liam turns the knob, pushes it open and walks in. Zayn follows, just like always.

 _Fucking huge._ Those two words pop into Zayn’s mind the moment he steps into Liam’s room. About four of Zayn’s rooms could fit in here. There are a lot of superhero posters on the walls, and footballers’ too. Zayn recognizes a few, but most are foreign. There is a desk; double the size of the one Zayn has at home, a four poster bed; Zayn doesn’t have to guess how soft the big mattress would be. Unlike Zayn's room, there are no pictures around. Zayn has pictures in his room; parents’ and sisters’ and him and Liam’s. There are various stuffed animals lying on the couch though. He spots a stuffed Simba and a Woody toy among them and he can't help but smile because _that's so liam_.

When Zayn finally pays attention to Liam again, he realizes that Liam had been staring at him all throughout, sitting on the edge of his ‘masterbed’, yes Zayn will call it masterbed.

“Sorry,” Zayn says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“For what?” Liam shrugs.

“For gawking like an idiot, it’s just you know, my room is a lot smaller.”

“Trust me, I still like your room better.”

“Huh? You’re kidding me!”

“No, really. It feels like home. This- this feels more like a prison sometimes.”

Whoa, Zayn thinks. This is a new side of Liam he’s seeing. Liam never talks like that, he’s so not the ‘this feels like home that feels like prison’ type. But then maybe he is, maybe tonight he will get to know the real Liam. The Liam that has been shut up in a world away from Zayn for far too long.

“Then why do you spend most of your time here?” _like you can stay at my place, in my room all the time if you want._

“Well as you know, I don't have a lot of places to go to. Because I don't like making a lot of friends. But I have you and I have football, so when I'm not here, I'm either with you or at practice or at a game.” 

“Okay I've never asked you this before, but I'm gonna ask now,” Zayn says, as he walks towards Liam and sits beside him. He waits for Liam to stop him or change the subject but when Liam just stares back at him with his pursed lips he continues, “You know you're capable of making a lot of friends right? You're the football star and everything, so why don't you? Why don't you go out, have fun, make friends?” 

“Why don’t you?” Liam shoots back instantly.

Liam’s response takes Zayn by surprise causing him to falter a little bit, talk about turning tables. _fuck._

“Well, I’m socially awkward and I like to stay alone. I mean its peaceful that way you know. Plus, I have you. So yeah, it’s enough.”

“Same.”

Zayn’s heart beat goes erratic at that, _same? same? you mean i am enough for you? okay. ookayy. wow. say that again, say that a million times again._ “You’re not socially awkward Liam.”

“That’s what you think, not everybody else.”

“You’re in the football team, come on, you did make friends! That loud Tomlinson guy, and that Irish kid who is almost always drunk! You can make friends, you’re cool enough- I just don’t get–”

“In seventh grade, I remember this guy. Barry Style something, who tried to be your friend. You blew him off and he was being nothing but nice. Why?”

“Harry Styles.”

“Yeah, I know. So why did you blow him off?”

 _because i was afraid he’d steal you away from me._ “Because I had you.”

“Yeah, but that doesn't mean you can't be friends with other people right? So, why?”

“Okay, okay. You were enough for me, too.”

“Good. I'm glad we settled that. Now no more ‘why so alone’ questions.”

“Okay, I'm sorry.”

“So- what do you want to do, then?”

“Uh- I’d rather just sit here and ask you more questions.”

Liam makes a reluctant sound, “Okay. Shoot, I’m not going to stop you today.”

“Why did you bring me here today? All of a sudden? Why not before? You’ve been at my place hundreds of times.”

Again, without skipping a beat, Liam bursts into explanation, “Because I didn’t want you too see how my parents treat me. They still think I’m a child, they are coming and asking me how was school and shit but they’re never there when I need them. See. Today. I kept reminding my mom you were coming, she knows you’re my best friend. But no. She just had to attend somebody else’s son’s bar mitzvah for crying out loud. Dad, he loves me obviously. He calls every night and talks to me, asks me if I’m fine and how’s life and shit. But. He’s never here either. When I actually start to tell him “how’s life” on the phone, suddenly he has a major meeting starting in five or his secretary wants him to sign major documents or they’ll lose a business or something. And my sisters, they love me too, but they’re my sisters and not my patents so its never the same. My parents don’t even know what my future plans are! I don't really think they think anything of me actually. My dad already has a place for me at his company, fuck he doesn't even know I play football or that I don't give a shit about his company. But that's nothing. Guess what hurts the most? Mom was really happy today right, for me. I finally made a friend and was bringing him over. And then I told her who it was, you. And she went from bright and sunny to rude and disapproving in a minute. The reason she gave me was that she doesn’t like your motorcycle. What the fuck? So I begged her to be nice and she said, it’ll be like I never saw me that mad. She fucking **promised** she’d be nice. So I was happy. And then- well you know what happened next.”

Zayn hadn’t ever thought about Liam’s family that way. He’d thought they were together and happy and content. Rich, with everything they wanted. But now that the secret is uncovered, Zayn is seeing Liam in a whole new light. As he looks at Liam now, who's staring at the ground with his head hanging low, he doesn't really want to feel sorry for him, but he just does and he can't help it.

But he doesn’t say he’s sorry, he just probes in further. He wants to know everything, wants to know Liam from A to Z, he isn't going to stop now, “Is that it? You didn’t want me to see your parents? Because Liam, I don't really give one crap about what they think of me, and as for how they treat you. You don't have to take that, yeah? Finish high school and we can apply to college together. We'll go–”

Abruptly, Liam looks up at him at that. The reaction is so sudden that it shuts Zayn up. And he says, “No, no. There is a lot more Zayn. A lot more. But you don’t have to know about it.”

“What if I want to? Plus, you kind of promised.”

“You’ll run away Zee, and never come back.”

“Why? Oh wait, are you a murderer or something? Are there knives and guns hidden here?” Zayn jokes.

Liam winces, “Shut up, that’s not funny.”

“Well, then tell me more.”

“I hate myself.”

“Liam I really– wait, what?”

“I completely, totally hate myself.”

“What– what do you–”

“Nobody knows. Except me and this room. And now you. But I hate myself, and I am- I am mad. Or that is what you’re going to think of me as soon anyway.”

“Liam. Liam what are you saying?”

“Get up.”

“No, I’m not leaving now. What are you saying?”

“Get up god damn it, I want to show you.”

Liam nearly pushes a stunned Zayn off his mattress and stands up. He gives Zayn a serious look, that says, ‘don’t freak out’, and lifts the mattress. He slides it a little further and then drops it, a collection of his pocket knives, razors and white tablets (painkillers, sleeping pills and stuff liam can’t name) on full display for Zayn to stare at.

He says, just as Zayn drops to his knees, his face now on level with the- stuff, “I didn’t want you into my room, because this is a horrible place, Zayn.”

Zayn picks up a razor, Liam wants to tell him not to touch it but he doesn’t, “What do you do with this, Li?”

Liam wants to slap him, because the mask of horror painted on Zayn’s face clearly says that Zayn already knows. Instead, he gives Zayn a look, reaches for the hem of his own shirt, and with a swift movement, pulls it off.

There are marks on Liam’s stomach and chest, that Zayn has never seen before. _how is that possible? you’re practically ogling at him all the time–_ Zayn finally shuts his inner voice up for good.

“What the fuck?” Zayn drops the razor and gets up, standing face to face with Liam now.

“Yeah, that is what I do with that.”

The way Liam talks, it is so calm and serene, like he is talking about a normal thing, that every human does. But then Zayn realizes, it might be, for Liam. A normal thing.

On its own accord, Zayn’s hand moves forward to lightly touch a rough purple mark just above Liam’s V-line. Liam’s breath catches in his throat when Zayn touches it, but Zayn is too scandalized to pay attention to that.

“Why Li? Is it so bad? Is it so bad with you that you have to do this?” he asks, when he locates his voice.

Liam can tell Zayn is almost near tears, he doesn’t want to see Zayn cry. Also, he doesn’t wish to see Zayn’s face and specially those god damn eyes when he actually drops the real bomb on him. So he says, “Come with me. There’s also this other thing you don’t know about it.”

Zayn looks at him puzzled, “Answer me first.”

“I will, that is why I want you to come with me. Just follow me, don’t say no.”

“Have I ever?”

—-

They end up at The Cliff. It’s insanely dark at night, Zayn can’t even properly make out Liam since the sky is black, two or three stars here and there. Everything looks dark blue.

“So you wanted to show me The Cliff,” Zayn asks, confused.

“Have you ever been in the woods?” Liam asks, pointing towards the woods beside the cliff, the woods that are responsible for the eerie effect around them.

“Nope, why?” Zayn asks, trying to sound exceptionally calm like he’s not just discovered that his best friend likes to self-harm and is probably suicidal.

“Because I have,” Liam states simply, and starts walking again. He walks right into the woods, Zayn just follows, his heart beat way faster than normal as he tries his best to keep up with Liam. Until they are standing in front of a.. cabin?

“What is this place?” Zayn asks.

“This is my place, my hideout. My way of blocking out the world.”

“What’s inside?” Zayn asks, getting himself ready for the worst possible set of answers.

What he isn’t expecting Liam to say, “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Oh.”

“C’mon,” Liam walks up the doorsteps, creaks open the door and vanishes into the darkness that’s inside.

Zayn follows him and soon the darkness envelops him as well. He nearly has a heart attack when the wooden door shuts loudly behind him, and it turns even darker, if possible, “Liam what’re are you doing?”

A hand, Liam’s warm hand, clasps into his right one without warning. “Blocking out the world,” Liam says, “Come on.”

Liam walks forward, or Zayn thinks its forward as he is led by Liam, and then he halts, “C’mon sit, Zayn. Lean on the wall, and sit here, with me.”

Zayn can’t see anything, so he feels for the wall, it’s right in front of him. Liam’s hand is still in his, guiding him to sit right beside where Liam is. Their shoulders touch causing the chaos inside Zayn’s chest to calm down. A bit.

Zayn doesn’t know where to look, because its the same black nothing everywhere he does, so he ends up looking towards his right, where Liam is supposedly sitting. He can’t see Liam at all though, and that is why when Liam rests his head on Zayn’s shoulder, it catches him totally off guard. And the rough short hair on Liam’s head brush against his nose and chin. Slightly, Zayn turns his face away and starts staring forward, into the darkness. Liam’s hair on his cheek now.

Silence prevails between them giving Zayn’s thoughts ample time to wander away; from what he saw under Liam’s mattress to what he saw on his body to this crazy place that he is in to Liam’s calming breaths.

“Feeling peaceful yet?” Liam says.

There’s a maddening march of various questions going on in Zayn’s mind but he says, “Yes.”

“So. Where were we?.”

“Why is it so dark in here, why not bring a candle or a flashlight?” Zayn asks instead of answering.

“Because I like the dark. I like how light isn’t here to distract me and remind me of the world outside. It's like I'm sleeping but not really. I like how I can be alone with me here, and I can think and calculate and muster up some courage to go out and face the world again.”

“Who else knows about this?”

“Me. And you now, just you.”

“Why me?”

“Because you are you.”

Zayn doesn’t ponder on what that means, his brain isn’t functioning anyway.

“So how long, how long have you been coming here?”

“About three years.”

“How long have you been cutting yourself?”

“I don’t even remember. I just remember that it got worse after- well, after–”

“After her?”

“Yeah.”

“Why does it have to be this way Liam? Why is–”

“Because I’m just so bad. I’m so bad that everything bad has to happen to me. You know, there is something very wrong with me Zayn, I mean its not like good things don’t happen to people. It’s just that good things happen all the time and just not to me. And that means, I am the one who is at fault. And I hate my fucking self for that.”

Zayn bites his bottom lip, as tears stream down his face. He doesn’t know how to put ‘I love you’ in simpler words and whisper them into Liam’s ears.

“Liam you’re not bad, you’re fine. You’re fucking fine!”

“I’m crazy.”

“You’re okay.”

Liam just explodes at that, his voice loud and head shaking on Zayn’s shoulder, his hand tightening around Zayn’s as he half-shouts, “No Zayn, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to be okay. I’m tired of trying to believe that I’m okay! Because I’m not okay? I am incapable of a lot of things now, I am broken and bent and I can’t be unbroken and unbent okay? So stop telling me I’m fine because I’m not and I know that and I don’t want to live anymore, don’t talk me out of this because I have decided. And I want to kill myself and I can’t do it alone or by myself because I’ve tried before and failed multiple times and I am a coward so I want you to help me!”

Obviously, Zayn is having a really bad nightmare right now, and Liam is asking him to do crazy ass things in it. Best is to remain calm, because like all other bad dreams, this will be over soon.

Only that it feels too real; the shivers that are transferring from Liam’s body to Zayn’s, the silent sobs that Liam is letting out, the sting in Zayn’s eyes. It just feels too real, fuck.

Zayn wants to run away, because he knows Liam, he knows what happens when Liam’s set his heart and soul to something. He knows that tone of his voice, he sounds as hopeless as he had on the night of his break up. He knows trying to save Liam will be in vain. But that, in no way means that he’s going to **help** Liam. Liam has gone completely mad.

“Will you help me, Zayn?” Liam asks again. The questions hangs above them. While Zayn questions as to whatever happened to sanity.

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Liam.”

“I want to die, I don’t want to live anymore. That is what I’m saying.”

“We can make this better Liam, we can try. I promise you, you’ll be better. You don’t have to think like this.”

“I knew you’d say that. But no. The only thing I want you to promise me right now is that you’ll help me. You're my best friend Zayn, and if you do this, you'll only be ridding me off unbearable pain.”

“You’re not this Liam, you’re better than this.”

“You have never known me before this Zayn Malik, so you can’t say that. This is the real me, and please just accept it.”

That shuts Zayn up, because yeah. He had never known Liam before this. Who he had known was the sometimes bright and sunny, sometimes caring and sensitive, other times hot-tempered and possessive, a bit uptight and diffident, yet active and lively boy, sometimes an enigma other times an open book, so unpredictable in his actions and yet so damn lovable that it had always been a mystery as to how everybody in the world hadn’t fallen in love him.

This Liam however, the real Liam is more like an angel of pain and darkness; demented, hopeless and not at all whom Zayn had known. It sucks, it all sucks pretty bad. Zayn’s heart is thumping against his chest, it all just god damn sucks.

“Zayn,” Liam says, almost like he was waiting for Zayn to finish thinking.

“Yeah?”

“What do you say?”

“I still think you’re crazy.”

“We have established that already, I guess. What I’m asking is, will you help me?”

Zayn doesn’t say anything.

“Zee?”

“Shut the fuck up, Liam.”

“It is really no use trying to shut me up because there’s something you should know and remember,” Liam grunts, he still hasn't taken his head off Zayn's shoulder, “I have pained enough Zayn, you have no fucking idea really. I’ve been aching for so long, and I know how it feels like. You don't. So it is going to be no use trying to convince me to back off. Because if you are not going to agree, I am going to find another way. Trust me, there are a lot of ways and I have considered all of them about a million times. Yeah it will take some courage but I will manage. This is my escape Zayn, this is my only way of escaping all the hurt. Of achieving relief, all on my own. Don’t try to take this away from me.”

“We can get you help–”

“Help my fucking ass, I don't need any help.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I have considered it, so many times. Don't you think if I wanted help, I wouldn't have gotten it already?”

“It's not about wanting–”

“It is about wanting, it is always about wanting. If it isn't, then I want it to be fucking about wanting. I want to do this, I want to get out of this, I want this to end. And this time I'm not stopping until I get what I want.

Zayn is so fucking glad that he can’t see Liam’s face right now. He’s also glad that Liam can’t see him. Because he’s pretty sure how his face is a mask of something Liam wouldn’t like to see. He’s scared shitless, he’s frightened to the very core because a part of him still can’t believe this is real life.

This is way worse than standing and watching, with his shaking hand in his sister’s as his parents are lowered in the ground.

Because they were dead before they came to him, he didn’t have to see both of them die. Zayn thinks that is a good thing. But he will now have to sit and wait, while Liam slips away.

He will obviously not help Liam, he is his best friend. You can’t fucking kill your best friend. Fucking hell. Not even when they sound like an injured puppy while they beg you to,

“Please say yes, Zayn.”

But then, you also don’t do what Zayn does next. Which is snatching his hand away harshly from Liam, standing up in an instant like the floor has suddenly turned electric, and running forward. His hands outstretched until they come in contact with what feels like a door, and he pushes it open, running out into even more darkness. He doesn’t hear Liam behind him, calling him or shouting or anything, Liam is dead quiet. And Zayn knows why, because Liam knows him, he must have already known that Zayn would run away so it wouldn’t have been a big shock to him.

He doesn’t want to think about Liam right now, instead he’s thinking about his parents and his sisters and his life and what has he ever done wrong to deserve this? He’s thinking of not saying yes, and also of not saying no. He's thinking of running to a rehabilitation center and telling them about Liam. He's thinking of Liam hating him after. He’s thinking a bazillion different things even when he doesn’t know what to think and how to think or _fuckfuckfuck,_ so he keeps running and running. Not knowing where he’s going, why he’s going. Running just seems like a good idea.

—-

It’s somewhere between midnight and the break of dawn that Zayn makes his decision.

It’s been two days since the Liam’s-house-incident. And Zayn hasn’t seen him since then. Maybe he’s pretending to be sick, not going to school, or just maybe he’s actually mentally sick of thinking and thinking about what Liam had said.

The summary of the entire situation in Zayn’s mind is this: If he helps Liam, he kills Liam. If he doesn’t help Liam, Liam kills himself.

The conclusions to both scenarios are the same: Liam dies.

He knows he needs to stop Liam from killing himself. On the other hand, he is pretty sure that if he actually does try to save Liam, his attempts will be in vain. On the other other hand, Zayn believes that Liam is too far gone.

And nobody knows better than Zayn what happens when one is **too far gone.** Because like Liam found solace in sharp objects and medicinal drugs, Zayn found solace in Liam. His bright sunny eyes, his brown hair that glistened golden in the light, his muscles and skin, his flesh and bones, all of him. He was there for Zayn when no one was, he was the one who never asked why Zayn was brown and not white. Liam - who is fading away, not knowing what he’s doing to Zayn in the meantime.

Liam can’t do this, Zayn thinks angrily. He can’t just suddenly decide to die, he has no right! He has no idea what he’s been for Zayn, he can’t just leave Zayn alone now. He can’t be like Zayn’s parents.

So he’s furious at him. Furious and furious and really really mad at him. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t pick up Liam’s incessant calls or reply to his text messages that all say the same thing; he is not to tell anybody what Liam had told him, he is not to break Liam's trust and how Liam doesn't want to lose him. How fucking ironic!

Humans are weird creatures, they can’t just feel one thing and be okay with it. They need a mixture of feelings in their hearts, a variety of fucked up emotions running through them, or they’ll get bored of feeling one thing all the time. Stupid humans.

Unfortunately, Zayn is a stupid human. Yes, he’s furious. But he’s also worried, wicked anxious. Half of him is dying, the other half is in anarchy. He doesn't know what to do.

And a part of him, the largest one, is conflicted; reluctant to say yes yet dying to say yes at the same time.

Because Liam is going to die anyway, so if he does, Zayn should be there. Liam wants him to be there with him in his final moments - why the fuck does that make Zayn feel happy(?), what the fuck? Fuck fuck, he can’t let Liam just slip away like that. He also can’t bring himself to imagine Liam slipping away like that, he also knows how he can’t live in a Liam-less world - nobody can, fuck.

It is all so confusing, it is all such a huge mess. A battle is going on in Zayn’s mind, his palms don’t stop twitching, his lungs can’t get enough of the cigarettes, his head doesn’t stop aching, his heart doesn’t stop thumping, the sweat falling down the back of his neck is continuous. He hasn’t seen Liam in two days, and he is craving to hear his voice and see him smile already, what will happen when Liam won’t be there anymore? (that thought makes him punch his desk and throw his pencil case on the floor watching the stationery scatter around pointlessly)

Doniyah asks him what’s the matter. ‘Nothing, I am fine Don.’ Waliyah asks him if he’s fine. ‘Yes, I’m fine!’ Safaa asks if he’s feeling sick when he abruptly leaves the breakfast table. ‘No Saf. I gotta go, I just need to finish my paper, I’m alright.’

He lies in his bed thinking, his will has been shifting towards the wrong side since the past two days. He needs to see Liam, he needs to be there and its all finalized in his mind. He has been suffering without Liam since about sixty seven hours. He doesn’t want to suffer all his life. He doesn’t know since when Liam has been suffering, he does know that Liam might be hurting himself with something right at this moment, that he might be surrendering to different forms of pain right at this moment when Zayn is lying in his bed doing absolutely nothing about it.

He knows how Liam is addicted and can’t stop. He gets it now. Because he’s addicted to Liam too. And Liam is worse than his smoking habit. Thus he understands why Liam can’t find it in him to stop himself. As he himself couldn’t stop, he told himself no a thousand times but he couldn't prevent himself from stealing the pills from Doniyah’s stack of medicine that lives in her bag. They are some kind of prescription drugs that Doniyah carries around for some patient of hers. White circular lid, orange cylindrical container, medical jargon scribbled all over it. He remembers them from when he was about fifteen and Doniyah was telling one of her patients how taking too much of them could cause death. Not instant death, but gradual.

Giving you ample time to do what you had do. And he knows what he has to do.

So he calls Liam. Counts the ticks of the clock until Liam picks up.

“Hey Zayn- Zee? Are you alright? Look I’m so so-”

“Liam-”

“-rry for dragging you into this, why haven’t you been to school? Look, Zayn, just forget everything ok-”

“Liam I-”

“-ay! I shouldn’t have ever creeped you out like that, you can just forget about it I am so stupid I shouldn’t have asked you that, I wouldn't have expected you to understand I'm so sorry, please forget about it okay? I don't need your help, just forget about it. I mean I can do it myself, I’ve decided. I just want to meet you one last-”

“Liam, yes. Okay.”

“-time, I know you probably wouldn't like to see m- wait, Zayn, what? You’ll come to meet me? Thank fuck!”

“No. I’m not coming to meet you, I’m coming to help you.”

“Huh?” Liam’s tone turns stern, “I think I’ve already told you how I can not be helped, and how I don’t want any help. This is me Zayn, and you can’t help me and change me. So if you've told anyb–”

“Not that kind of help Liam,” Zayn says, his voice tightening, his sub-conscience screaming _no no no please no_ at him, “I’m going to help you in the way you want me to help you.”

There’s silence. Zayn can hear Liam’s erratic breathing on the other side, he can actually hear Liam sigh in.. relief? Realization?

“Are you- are you sure? You don’t have to, I have found another way.”

That hurts, that drives through Zayn like a bullet. He asks in a controlled voice, “What way?”

“Just- just another way, since you said no.”

“I never said no. To you, I never said no.”

“I know. I’m pathetic aren’t I? You just keep on doing things for me and I just keep on taking favors and I- fuck I am so selfish. I’m sorry Zayn, I- you don’t have to say yes okay? I just called to ask you to meet me and you just come here and meet me and we are done. Then you forget I ever existed and you go back to your life and you don’t ever tell anyone that you knew. Okay?”

“No shit.”

“Zayn please-”

“Let me just say no to you for once, okay? And let me do it correctly. Don’t interrupt me.”

He waits for Liam to say something or hang up, Liam doesn’t do either of those things.

“No Liam, you’re not going to suddenly tell me you’ve found another way. No Liam, you’re not going to drag me into this and then push me out with a sorry. No Liam, you can’t always except me to let it go. No Liam, I will not ditch you when you need me the most. And no Liam, I’m not letting you go through with this without me whatever you might say. I am going to help you, and I ran away that day because I needed time to think and now I’ve made my decision and I’m not letting you blabber about finding other ways. If you had to find another way, why did you even tell me anything? Why didn’t you just- do I even mean anything to you, Liam?”

“You mean a lot to me Zayn, and that is why I don’t want you to hurt. If you think you can do this for me, then okay. I’d rather have you with me than being alone.”

“Good,” that sounds good, “So. When?”

“Tomorrow. I’ve got everything planned out.”

Zayn wasn’t expecting it to be so… soon. But he doesn't falter, “Okay. Where?”

“The Cliff,” Liam says.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

And this time, it sounds like a promise.

—-

Zayn wakes up early next morning, actually he doesn’t really ‘wake up’ because he hadn’t actually slept.

Instead, he had made a mental list of things he needed to do before he meets Liam. It’s an important day, he can’t lose any time - not today.

He has put his irritating sub-conscience to sleep, he needs to stay focused and undisturbed. At about five in the morning, he gets out of bed. Doniyah will be up at six, Waliyah and Safaa at six fifteen. They’ll be down for breakfast at about six thirty and Doniyah will make breakfast in a rush, burning the eggs and toast. This time however, she won’t. Because today Zayn will make breakfast.

Trying not to make noise, Zayn sets to work. And as predicted, at about six, he hears Doniyah coming downstairs. She stops in her tracks when she sees him setting the tiny, circular table.

“Zayn, are you okay?” she asks, amusement on her face.

Zayn smiles back, “I woke up early today, since I’ve been sleeping since three days. And decided to treat you and save you the pain of making breakfast for four people all at once.”

“It’s not a pain, little brother,” Doniyah says, coming towards him and placing her hand lightly on his cheek, “When it’s for you three, nothing is pain.”

“Thank you for doing everything you have for me Don,” Zayn says, “You do so much for us. I love you. More than I show.”

“You aren’t sick are you?” Doniyah jokes, pressing her palm on his forehead to check, with a playful smile on her round face. She looks so much like his mom, he feels like crying. 

“No crazy, I just thought I should keep telling you once in a while,” he says, leaning down to kiss her head. She's might be older than him but he's still taller.

“Okay, you’ve gone weird today! I’m calling the ambulance,” Doniyah says, as she gives a laugh and kisses him on the cheek, “And, I know you love me. So you don’t have to tell me or show me that, but like if you want, you can.”

Zayn rolls his eyes at her, “Don’t flatter yourself, alright? This is happening for the first and the last time, keep that in mind.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Doniyah replies, “So I’m just going to change then and leave. I’ll be back by seven or eight today, since its Saturday. Take care of Wal and Saf if you have nowhere to go.”

“Okay,” Zayn says, as he watches her climb the stairs. He waits for her and then eats with her. He screams a goodbye at her (not knowing how a goodbye is a ‘good’ bye since he’s not once in his life seen a goodbye which was even close to ‘good’) as she starts her minivan. She waves at him in response and throws him that sisterly smile of hers before driving away. Zayn stands there staring at her minivan until it disappears down the road, wishing he had properly hugged her too.

After, he goes back to his room, leaving the breakfast in the oven so it doesn’t get cold. (he had completely forgotten it was a holiday having been shut up in his room for three days. but, like nobody needs to know that he had forgotten). He goes through his favorite books, just to pass time and thinks about getting his own book published one day or having his own art gallery in town. Thinks of how the first painting he'd put there would be of a young boy with wild eyes, the world’s best smile and a weird birthmark on his neck.

At about ten, as he is standing with the orange bottle he'd stolen from Doniya's bag in his hand, looking at someone who’s so him and not him at the same time, in his mirror, does he hear commotion in the living room. He quickly walks downstairs and sees that his sisters are up and bickering about why to watch on the television. Nothing unusual.

“Saf, nobody watches Dora anymore.”

“But I don’t want to watch people eat insects Waleee!”

“You’re such a wimp.”

“I’m not a wump, Zaaaynnn, Waliyah’s calling me a wump!”

“Guys guys,” Zayn says as he steps into the living room and Safaa runs to him, “Let’s all shut the TV down and go out and have a little breakfast picnic yeah?”

Safaa climbs into his arms, she’s getting bigger and heavier he realizes, and lets out a ‘yay picnic time!’. Waliyah looks at him with her eyes narrowed, “Bhai, why? What do you want us to do in return?”

“Nothing,” Zayn says.

“I don't believe you.”

“Okay then you can stay at home and watch TV, while me and Saf will go have a little breakfast picnic,” Zayn grins at her and kisses Safaa on the cheek.

“I never said I wasn't coming,” Waliyah says.

—-

He has the best time with his sisters after a long time; they sit under a tree in their favorite park as they chat and eat and laugh over hysterical things.

They have a mini food fight too, and Zayn has to catch Safaa when she runs after a butterfly and nearly ends up falling into a pond, while Waliyah rolls with laughter, her eyes watering. And then they’re all laughing, because yes they’re very happy and Zayn loves them both very much. So he tells them that.

Safaa just responds with a sloppy kiss on his forehead and Waliyah sighs and looks at him, “Are you sure you want nothing from me? Did you burn your bed sheet again and want me to–” “No I didn't, I promise.” “Okay then, I love you too okay. And don’t expect me to tell that to you everyday..”

“You don’t have to,” Zayn says, smiling at her young, mischievous face.

—-

The moment they come back home, at about one, the television battle starts again, and Zayn can only smile and walk to his room.

He checks his cell for texts and sees three from Liam. He doesn’t check what they say, just quickly makes his way to the bathroom. He styles his hair properly, like he always does. He throws on his favorite clothes; his black Levi’s tshirt that Safaa picked out for him and the blue jeans, that Waliyah helped him cut roughly from the knees with the scissors. He gets in the sneakers he’d borrowed (and never given back) from Liam, and looks around his room. His eyes stop on the empty orange container lying on his study desk for a moment. And then he walks out of his room, and closes the door shut behind him.

—-

The sun burns fiercely above his head, but he keeps walking. There’s pin drop silence around him, not so much traffic on the streets. Like there’s usually not at this time of the day.

It must be about three in the afternoon, Zayn thinks. When people must be at work and the children would be back from school, taking a nap probably. Some must have come home for lunch, and then take a nap and then go back to work. Just like Doniyah does.

Doniyah. He had promised to be with her and help her throughout. “I won’t let anything happen to us Don,” he remembers saying to her. Naïve and small, but not smaller than he feels now, he recalls himself to be at that time. He doesn’t want to think how Doniyah will take what he’s about to do. He doesn’t know what she will tell both his younger sisters. But he hopes she will understand. She always did. He had left a note. That’s what they do in movies, anyways.

It’s odd. How something bad, really bad is going to happen and yet, everything around him is so normal. People going about their normal lives in the shops, a couple or two sitting in park, a car or two driving past him, drivers talking on the phone - it’s all so normal, yet for him, it’s not just a normal day. It’s his last.

Because it’s Liam’s last.

A faint smile crosses his face at the thought of that. How once he used to think that Liam would be the death of him one day. And how it was coming true. Literally.

What’s weird is that he is walking towards his death, in both the literal and metaphorical sense, and he’s not reluctant at all. He has no real problems in life, he doesn’t have to do this, even if its too late now to back off, though if it wasn’t too late he wouldn’t have backed off anyway. The only thought in his mind is, the only mantra going on in his head at the moment; _I’d rather die than live in a world without Liam Payne_. He believes in that mantra so strongly, that he doesn’t think twice when he finally reaches the familiar plot that will lead him to The Cliff.

A part of him still wishes that Liam is waiting for him there wearing a big ‘April Fools’ grin. It’s not April though but whatever. And that he tells Zayn that he was just pranking him and it was all Louis’ idea because Louis was the school prankster and only he would able to pull off something like this. Then Zayn would let out a bark of humorless laughter, not really fond of the prank obviously and would tell Liam how he has about an hour more to live, and when Liam will look at him in horror and surprise Zayn will declare his love, it will be the last thing he will do. He will tell Liam how he would die rather than live without him because Liam is the only one he’s ever loved so strongly. Actually, that would be a pretty awesome and legendary way of expressing love. He wonders if its been done before. Then maybe Liam will burst into tears and it will all be pretty tragic as they rush him to the hospital and the doctor will say the condition is pretty serious and just when everyone has lost hope, they will miraculously save him and then maybe Liam will shout and cry at him for hours and then finally he will kiss him and tell him it’s fine, they’re fine and he loves him too and then maybe they will live happily ever after. And they'll tell their grandchildren this story and have a good laugh about it one day.

Only that happy ever afters don’t exist, and when Zayn completes his little fairy tale (suspense drama romance thriller) in his head, he’s almost at The Cliff and he can already see Liam.

Standing under the shadow of a dying mango tree, Zayn watches as Liam sits near the edge of The Cliff, looking down, staring at the water deep in thought. Zayn can only see his back, his hunched shoulders and his head hung low. He still wants to get inside Liam’s head, but a moment later he realizes, no not anymore. He kind of knows all that he needs to.

Breathing deeply, fisting his hands by his sides, Zayn walks forward. The leaves crunch under his feet and Liam turns around, standing up and facing Zayn, relief washing over him, because Zayn didn’t back out on him. To be honest, Liam wasn’t expecting him to.

Liam is as white as a sheet, he is thinner than he looked before, a lot different in a way with his lips set grimly, frozen in place. Zayn is surprised to see Liam in such a state, he had never known Liam could look so vulnerable. Even after Liam had told him exactly how vulnerable he was. Zayn isn’t ready for this.

A moment passes where the two boys just stand in front of each other, staring into each other’s eyes. One pair silently begging, thanking, the other accepting, giving. Liam has his hands in his pockets, as he keeps holding Zayn’s gaze. While Zayn just wonders why this is happening, how did they come at this point exactly? Everything was so normal just a week ago, why did Liam ever ask him to come to his room? Zayn had been fine, very fine without getting answers, why did Liam decide to give them now?

But it’s too late to wonder such redundant things now, what’s decided is decided and Zayn isn’t ready. But he’s okay, and that's enough.

“You came,” Liam states, his voice small yet breaking the silence so loudly.

“You weren’t expecting me to?” Zayn inquires, he’s getting good at this questioning thing really.

“Honest?”

“Yeah.”

“I was dead sure you were not going to back out on me. But I kind of hoped you did. So that I could just jump off here and end it myself. I am sorry, I am sorry for everything Zee.”

Tears sting Zayn eyes as he holds them back, he’s not going to cry now. He’s actually satisfied; the fact that Liam knows Zayn is hurting, the fact that Liam would have taken the fall to save Zayn the pain - well, how could have Zayn not fallen in love with this guy. Who’s so wrong and yet so right and fuck– Zayn doesn’t even know anymore. He doesn't even want to.

“I’d rather that you spend your last– with me than alone,” Zayn says.

Liam gives him a sad smile, “Yeah. I’d rather that too.”

‘Fuck fuck you liam stop doing this to me’ Zayn wants to scream at the guy. Instead he asks,

“So?”

“So.”

“How are we going to do this?” Zayn asks, impatient. Why doesn’t Liam understand that he doesn’t have much time left himself. He had taken the tablets accordingly, (the perks of having a nurse sister), had estimated that he would only need like an hour. And well, he has lost about twenty minutes of that hour already.

“Zee. Listen, you don’t have to do this, you know that right?”

“Stop fucking with me Liam,” Zayn nearly flips, “Just tell me what to do?” _i am dying god damn it, i am dying._

That shuts Liam up for good, but he doesn’t avert his eyes off Zayn, and says bluntly,

“Okay. Follow me.”

The moment Liam turns away and starts walking, Zayn knows where they’re headed. To the cabin, Liam’s secret hideout, the one that had been a secret from Zayn too. That angers Zayn again.

When they finally reach the wooden cabin, Liam pushes open the door and steps inside. Zayn follows.

It looks different than when Zayn came here last time. Different in the way that its lighter here than before. There is a small square window in the left wall letting in the sunlight, which provides low lighting in the cabin. The light is enough to see what’s inside, but not enough to perform a detailed analysis of everything.

Liam walks inside and stops right in the middle, Zayn follows (closing the door behind him) but doesn’t go near Liam. Liam turns around to face him.

Zayn watches as Liam takes a deep breath, and then pulls out a revolver from this pocket and Zayn’s heart skips a beat as he holds in a gasp. He can feel his blood run cold when Liam looks up at him, a determined look in his eyes.

“It’s a .22,” Liam says, his voice is thick.

“You couldn’t think of another way?” Zayn gulps, when he finally finds his voice. He is going to have to fucking shoot Liam _huh what? this is not csi!_

Liam shrugs like he isn’t holding a dangerous item in his hands, “This kills instantly, it pains obviously, but if you shoot me like three times, I am sure it’ll be gone before I can feel it. This seemed like the best way out you know, simple and fast.”

 _Simple? You absolute idiot, simple?!!_ “How do you even know this stuff? Where’d you even get the- the gun?” Zayn asks, Liam moves forward.

“Dad has a collection, he used to tell me stuff about his guns when he used to bring a new one home, I somehow remembered this one.”

That quietens Zayn, he watches the gun; silver metal, shiny, deadlier than it looks possibly. It causes thrills to run down Zayn’s spine, maybe he should back off.

“You don’t have to be scared Zayn, I have made sure this doesn’t make a lot of noise. Plus I’ve tried shooting like birds– no I didn't really hurt any I just aimed at them, before you came, I’m sure nobody heard the shots. So we will be safe, you’ll have a lot of time to run. Drop the gun down The Cliff when you do or just leave it in my hand,” Liam says in a rush, almost like he wants this to be over as soon as possible. He watches as Zayn keeps taking steps backwards until his back collides with the wall and he stands there, leaning against it for support as his legs shake, unable to hold him. Liam instantly comes to him and puts his free hand lightly on his left shoulder , “You don’t have to be scared of anything Zee. I left a suicide note, so the blame would never be on you. Listen to me, you run away home okay? And you’re never to come here again. And remember, you’re not killing me. Never think of it that way. I’m committing suicide. And you’re doing for me what nobody else would have the courage to. You’re doing me a favor. Okay?”

The shaking stops in his legs, as he straightens up a bit and looks back into Liam’s crystal clear eyes, how did they end up here exactly? He wants to scream and shout and tell Liam to live. Just try to live. Then he remembers how he had tried, and how he doesn’t have much time either. So he just swallows the huge lump in his throat and says, “Okay. Lets do this Liam.”

Liam smiles. The god damn guy fucking smiles like a bright sunny morning! Fuck.

“Here,” Liam says. And Zayn takes the gun from him, trying his best not to drop it the moment the cold metal touches his hot, sweaty palm.

“Where?” Zayn asks, not being able to let out more words than one. Not wanting to waste any time.

But Liam gets what he’s asking and places his hand over his. They both hold the gun together, Zayn’s finger positioned behind the trigger, as his hand is guided by Liam. Liam lets go of Zayn’s hand when the gunpoint is pressed against his abdomen from over his shirt.

Zayn wants to look down and see where he’s going to shoot Liam, to where Liam has guided his hand to, but he doesn’t. He’s afraid how the sight might cause him to pull away. So he decides against it.

Instead, his eyes never leave Liam’s while the seconds on his wristwatch tick by. Liam doesn’t blink either, just waits and stares.

“Zayn, do it,” Liam says, Zayn doesn’t have to look down to know that Liam’s Adam’s apple just bobbed up and down painfully.

“I wish I had time to write you an eulogy,” Zayn says then, tears finally framing his eyes.

Liam smiles again, Zayn thinks he would die from his smile alone, “Make one for me now, quick, I want to hear it.”

Zayn snorts, he doesn’t think he has more than like five minutes left now, “I don’t think so Liam, I am running out of time.”

“What? What do you mean- You are running out of time?” Liam asks puzzled.

Zayn doesn't answer. He just states back into Liam’s eyes. He can actually see Liam putting one and one together, can hear the gears turning in his head. The fact that Liam’s face changes colours so fast that it’s hard to tell one from the other, confirms Zayn’s hunches. Liam’s grip on his shoulder tightens as he slams Zayn back into the wall, pressing himself against Zayn, his other hand comes up to fist in front of Zayn’s shirt, his legs pressing up against Zayn while the other boy puts his free hand around Liam’s waist and keeps the other one in place, letting the gun dig painfully into Liam.

“Zayn, what the fuck did you do?” Liam asks, his breath strong and harsh on Zayn’ face as he is too close now. _too close._

Zayn doesn’t melt under his burning gaze though, instead, he gazes back with the same amount of intensity. This do or die situation has made him kind of…brave. If they’re going to die, he better make himself clear before he takes his last breath. Liam needs to know, or it will be too late. In all senses of the word.

“I just wrote a eulogy. It contains just two points only,” Zayn starts, eyes not wavering off Liam’s, “Number 1. Liam Payne is my best friend and my only friend too, for as long as I remember. And I am not ‘not proud’ of it. Number 2. I can’t even think about living or try to live in a world in which Liam Payne doesn’t exist. Thus, I’m just not going to.”

Tears brim up in Liam’s eyes, he looks more vulnerable than he did three days ago, or a few minutes ago even, “No. You are not going to kill yourself Zayn, no.”

“Number 3. I’ll follow Liam wherever he goes. I’ll never say no. Because.”

Zayn doesn’t continue, instead he tries to convey the words by pulling Liam more closer by his waist, and gazing into his eyes trying to place every emotion left in his body in his own. Because Liam is searching his eyes, his face for the remainder of that sentence and Zayn still can’t bring himself to say it out loud, he’s afraid it might break something. Or somebody.

“Because?” Liam asks then, face now painted with tears.

Zayn swallows, “I think you are smart enough to know what comes after the because.”

“Zee.”

“I took pills Liam, I don’t know how much time I’ve left.”

Liam lets out a pained noise, pressing his forehead against Zayn’s and pushing himself against him more, there’s not an inch of space between their bodies and oh, how many times Zayn has dreamed about this. Reality sucks.

“Why Zayn Malik? Why would you- I’m the worst thing that happened to you and- shit I will never be able to forgive m-”

“Kyunke main tumse pyar kerta hun.”

The words are said with every ounce of sincerity and feeling that is left in Zayn, and maybe that is why Liam stops in mid-sentence and looks into his watery eyes, tears pouring out his own.

“What- what does that mean?” Liam is short of breath now, because he knows what it means. Fuck, Zayn’s expression speaks volumes, the fear in his eyes say it.

“I think you know,” Zayn says again.

Liam gives it a moment, searches for clues in Zayn’s teary face that might prove his judgment false but no. The emotions painted all over the smooth brown skin, the water pooling in his eyes and the slight shivering of his bottom lip, it gives it all away. Zayn’s body is covered in jitters that Liam can feel and it’s blinding, the sudden strike of realization that overpowers Liam.

Zayn. His. **Zayn.**

Maybe he wants to live, for a second. But he knows Zayn is dying too, and so the thought fades away as quickly as it had come.

His hands move gently to Zayn’s face, not lessening the proximity between their bodies, and he gently presses his lips to Zayn’s.

Zayn’s mind goes blank, the only thing he’s aware of is the warmth that radiates from Liam, enveloping him. He closes his eyes for just a second, opening them to see Liam staring at him. Zayn nearly has a cardiac arrest right there and then. Time ticks by, and they remain glued to each other in more ways than one. 

Then, Liam murmurs quietly against his lips, “Me too.”

Zayn is out of breath already, with all the desperate kissing, so when he gets what Liam means, he kind of chokes, “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Liam–”

“Zee, I know.”

The shot echoes through the wooden cabin walls, as unbearable pain sears through Liam’s abdomen, spreading all over his body instantly. Liam’s lips slide away from Zayn’s, unblinking eyes not leaving his.

With his lip parted and shaking, his head and heart pounding, tightening his grip around Liam’s waist, Zayn shoots once more. This time Liam’s pupils roll back into his head as his eyes threaten to fall shut. He still keeps them open, the ghost of a sincere smile leaving his face. Zayn wants to scream. Instead, he shoots again.

_simple and fast, simple and fast, simple and fast_

This time, Liam’s legs give way and he falls. Zayn let’s go off the gun, falls down on his knees with him, cradling Liam’s head in his arms. Zayn leans back against the wooden wall, holding Liam, watching the red on his shirt spread.

Liam has his eyes shut now, showing no sign of life. A press of his palm on his heart does convey to Zayn that Liam’s still alive though, a little bit. Zayn bends down dropping kisses all over his face, trying to ease the pain. He is crying uncontrollably, letting his tears mix with the sweat on Liam’s face. His hand is painted crimson, the gun lying near him. It does not bother him. Nothing can, anymore. Liam turns colder and more lifeless in his arms with each passing second.

Zayn lets go of him once the heart beat grows too faint, almost as if it is nonexistent under his palm. He gets up, carefully laying Liam’s head on the floor and lays down beside Liam’s right. Resting his head on Liam’s right shoulder, he throws his right arm and leg around Liam, pulls him close. And clings on to him. He grabs Liam’s right hand, and wounds Liam’s limp arm around his neck so Liam now has his hand around his shoulders in a way. He intertwines his fingers with Liam’s, holding on tight. Not letting go. Liam’s blood seeps through his wounds and soaks Zayn’s shirt, he can feel the sick wetness spread as he lies close, peppering Liam’s neck with kisses, taking his mind off what he has just done.

“This is a pretty fucked up happy ever after, huh, Liam?” he says in between sobs when there’s nothing left to do, his mouth close to Liam’s ear, “I never told you but I always wanted one with you. I think you know now. Actually I wasn’t going to tell you, that I was going to follow you like this. But I guessed that you’d know anyway. Sooner or later, why later then, huh?”

He has no fucking idea why he is suddenly blabbering shit. He just is and he doesn't care.

“You don’t have to blame yourself either Liam, because I left a note too. This is suicide as well, but I couldn’t imagine a better death. Can you hear me? Are you- how is it? Anyway, I’ll meet you soon probably. I’m coming Liam.”

Zayn stops then. And waits. Waits for his final moments to arrive, while caressing Liam’s face gently with his hand. He keeps the other hand tightly around Liam’s. The pool of blood pools grows around them; crimson, stinky, sickening.

Then a thought strikes his mind and it grips him with fear. What if the pills don’t work? What if he made all the wrong calculations? He always had been rubbish at math. Oh damn it! What if he lives? He should be dead by now, maybe he should just pick up the revolver and put a bullet through his head or something, to make sure. But that will hurt, and Liam might have always believed so but he knows he’s not as brave as Liam.

He took pills because he wanted a painless death. Only that killing and watching someone you love die, kind of screwed that plan a bit. And if the god damn pills don’t work and he isn’t with Liam soon enough, he swears he is going to

—-—

****Dear Ma and Dad,****

The only thing I have to say is, thank you for…everything. What I am going to do is my choice and mine alone. Tell my sisters that they are the best. I am keeping this short because I want this to be over quick.  
When I leave today, I won’t be coming back. I don't know how or when you'll find me. But I hope that when you do, you understand. Why I’m doing this? That's for me to know and you to figure out. I hope you already had figured it out, but you didn't. So I don't see the point now.

I think I had just lived enough and I can’t just do it anymore. I am sick of everything. And I don’t want to explain anything.

What I’ll tell you mom though, is that I think I am in love. Again. (funny how you don’t know when the first time was) And I can’t deal with it this time. And it’s not that he, yes HE, doesn’t love me back. It’s that.. He does. And I can’t. I am unrepairable. And so there’s no point anymore.

He loves me and I am empty. I have nothing to give him. But he's not the reason I am doing this. I am the reason I am doing this.

That's all I have to say.

**Liam.**

—-— 

**Liam James Payne**  
1995-2013  
 **Beloved Son And Friend**  
 _“a place nobody knows”_

**Zayn Javadd Malik**  
1995-2013  
 **Beloved Brother Forever**  
 _“be true to who you are”_

(Liam and Zayn; Best Friends And Together)

**Author's Note:**

>  _bhai_ means 'brother'. _kyunke main tumse pyar kerta hun_ means 'because i love you.'
> 
> tumblr: [ziamasf](http://ziamasf.tumblr.com/)


End file.
